


Sunrise

by thechickadee



Category: Saturday Night Live RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechickadee/pseuds/thechickadee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short one about how they handled Amy's move to L.A. (kind of sad, but not depressing.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunrise

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the lovely Chloe
> 
> Also, kudos to the lyrics of 'from where you are' by lifehouse perfectly fitting this story. Totally just discovered this, and it was a pleasant surprise. 
> 
> "So far away from where you are  
> These miles have torn us worlds apart  
> And I miss you, yeah, I miss you
> 
> I miss the years that were erased  
> I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face  
> I miss all the little things  
> I never thought that they'd mean everything to me  
> Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here"

Amy never really imagined leaving SNL when she was there. It took too much energy to just keep up and be a part of it. It was engraved into her life, something permanent, like it was something that had always been there and always would. 

The weeks blurred together no matter the host or musical guest, each new set piece blending into the next. Somehow, she couldn’t find anything to hold on to, something to keep her from being swept away with the force of time. 

Except Seth.

He was the one thing that was never the same. He stood out among the crowd of people, his smile like a beacon in the mass of darkness. He stood out in front of the black and white scripts, kept the words from blurring together and losing focus.  
When she lost herself all night in her work, he would stay with her, and take her up to the roof in the morning to watch the sunrise. 

He would hold her hand gently and tell her to breathe, tell her to take a minute and just breathe it in. That this was supposed to slow her down. He would tell her the sunrise belonged to them; that it always would, and that it could fix any problem she would ever have. She laughed at his sincerity, but his sweet smile was branded into her memory, in front of the rising sun.

He made every day of every week…memorable, unique. Different.  
He kept her from fading into the background, kept her head above water during the flood. Every look at him created a new feeling inside of her, and each new feeling woke her up again, made her feel alive.

 

The first time they kissed was two months after they met, in the back of a cheap bar at four in the morning. They were just kids, barely best friends yet, and suddenly the look in his eyes was too much to handle. The next thing she remembered, his lips were on hers, adrenaline rushing through her veins because of the alcohol, or because of the kiss, or because they were in no way allowed to do this. 

They were careful around each other after that for a while, until four months later when he pushed her against a wall and kissed her until she was dizzy. 

And since then, although it went much further than that on occasion, his lips on hers was just another part of him that kept her from drowning.

 

When she finally did decide to leave, it hurt him more than he cared to admit to her. And she saw him cry, and cried by herself, more than she cared to admit to him.

That night in the office when he asked her what she was doing next, she told him she was moving to L.A., and she remembered him sitting there, staring at her in shock. And she remembered leaving him sitting there because she wasn’t strong enough to stay.

That same night when she was about to get into her car, he called out to her from across the parking lot, breathing hard, like he had run to catch her. She froze, turning around slowly, wanting him to make her stay.

He had yelled to her across the parking lot, his voice frenzied and on the edge of breaking, “What is it going to take for you to realize this is real?”

She had shaken her head, her voice caught in her throat, refusing to come out when she needed it most.  
He was so desperate, so completely devastated, and it was her fault. Her choice.  
“Amy, we’re not just fucking around. We never were just fucking around, were we?” he had said, now in front of her, grabbing her shoulders tightly, trying to hold on to her, trying to keep her there when he knew she was long gone.  
“Amy, you need me in your life. I know you do. And…Dammit, I need you. All the fucking time. I need you next to me. Amy, please. Don’t leave,” he had finished, whispering fearfully into her hair.

She had choked down a sob, turned her back with tears in her eyes, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”  
And she had boarded a plane a week later.

 

“What is it going to take?” he had asked.

 

Apparently, 2448 miles and almost two years.

 

Because it was only two summers later, after she was back in her New York apartment with her back pressed against her door, Seth’s arms wrapped around her waist and his lips pressed against hers, that she realized she really did need him. 

 

But that was after almost two years of living another life. A life all the way across the country with the golden weather and the imitation skyscrapers.  
L.A. was like stepping into a different universe; one with new people, new friends, and now, one more son. 

She missed Seth every single day without fail, and after giving up on forgetting about him, she accepted the fact that by leaving him behind, she had left a part of herself behind, too. And accepting it didn’t make it any easier to bear, as proven by countless nights alone with only her thoughts and memories to drive her insane. 

She wondered helplessly why she was being dragged down, why she couldn’t seem to get up in the morning. She didn’t laugh at the things she used to laugh at; they seemed different on the other side of the country, in this other universe. 

She missed her home with all her heart. Not this mansion surrounded by palm trees under the hot sun; that wasn’t her home. She wanted her small, old, comfy apartment overlooking the crowded buildings and throngs of people on the streets below. 

Missing New York as a whole was easier than just missing Seth; she didn’t know how to miss a part of herself.  
Because that’s what he was. Her anchor, her rock, her familiarity.

And when she moved to L.A., and stepped into this new universe, she lost everything that was familiar to her; the way he smiled lazily at her when it was late and they both knew no writing would get done. The sound of his voice in her ear when he was drunk, low and gravely, his arm slung around her shoulders on the sidewalk outside a random bar, his chest rumbling with tired laughter. The way he kissed her, that same feeling every time, like he was trying not to let himself get too caught up in her, because he loved her too much, more than he was allowed to. And most of all, the sun on their faces, lighting the world on fire.

She wanted their sunrise back.

 

She couldn’t watch the sunrise anymore without her heart wrenching for home, for Seth, her hand reaching out to grab his, but finding empty air.

 

And before her second summer in L.A., her little boy came to her one afternoon, and asked if they could go home again. 

 

It was all she needed to hear, and within two days she had packed enough for the summer and was on a plane with her sons, en Route to New York for the first time in almost two years. 

She didn’t call anyone, didn’t let anyone know she was coming. She just wanted to pretend like everything was how she had left it, waiting for her, like she had taken a short vacation. Like nothing had changed.  
And when she stepped out of the airport into the crisp night air, she felt tears in her eyes; tears of love and relief as she took her sons home. 

 

Her apartment was quiet after she put the boys to bed, and she went to her couch and sat on it, feeling the worn leather with her hand. Nothing had changed, she convinced herself. It was all the same. 

Ignoring the fact that it was four in the morning, she pulled out her phone and dialed Seth’s number with an urgency she had forgotten was inside of her, her heart jumping when he picked up with a sleepy “Hello?”

“I’m back. In New York,” she said, clearing her throat. “If you want to come over.”

There was a long silence, and her heart sank deep within her. 

“I’ll be there soon,” he said, and the phone went dead.

She lay down on the couch, feeling feverish and dizzy. What was wrong with her? She was terrified; terrified of this new person she had become, buried far beneath the weight on her shoulders, and terrified that Seth wouldn’t be able to dig her out.

The doorbell rang, and she opened the door with a trembling hand. She was met with his mile wide smile and tousled hair, and she pulled him inside, hugging him as hard as she could, trying to keep her balance, to stay upright, to stay sane.

Something was falling apart inside her, and all she knew was that she needed to hang on to him. She was shaking in his arms; she needed to feel something she hadn’t felt in a long time, a feeling that only he could create.

So she kissed him, her hands wrapped tightly around his neck, and when he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her back without hesitation, she felt it. She didn’t know what it was, but she could breathe again. The world wasn’t falling on her anymore, and all she could feel was his lips bringing life back into her eyes, until he pulled away from her. 

“I can’t,” he said breathlessly, but his arms stayed wrapped around her, his forehead resting on hers. 

She nodded, closing her eyes, willing herself not to cry. 

“Hey, it’s not you. I promise,” he said softly, tilting her chin up so she was forced to look into his eyes. “But I’m getting married in a couple months, and I just…I can’t do this, here, now.”

She let a tear roll down her cheek. Seth brushed it away and his stomach clenched at how vulnerable she looked, almost broken, and he knew L.A. had changed her. She took a deep breath, trying to hang on. Forever trying to hang on.  
“I told myself that everything would be the same, that we would be the same, and I really needed it to be,” she said, breathing him in. “And…I know it’s not. And it’s never going to be. And I’m happy for you, but I can’t do it on my own. You were right. I need you, Seth. I’ve been lost this whole time and when I moved, there was no one left who tried to find me. You always did, but you were gone.”

He listened to her, his arms securely around her, and whispered, “I’m here now, Amy. And I know you. This isn’t you, and you don’t need me to tell you that. I know you’ll be okay, because you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You do not need me. You need to find a part of yourself, a part that you left here. Take it back with you, Amy. Let this old life go. You need to let it go for your own sake.”

Amy hung on to his shirt, trembling. “You were the part of me I left behind.”

He shook his head slowly, and took her hand, leading her out of the apartment and up two flights of stairs to the roof. 

The sky was purple and chilly in the early morning air. She shivered, and he held her in his arms, shielding her from the wind. And before long, the sky turned pink, then orange, as the rising sun peeked above the horizon. 

He held her hand tightly and told her to breathe it in, just like he used to. He told her to look around her and feel, feel and smell and see, but not think.

Her hand clasped tightly in his, she took a deep breath, the orange sun filling her eyes and her lungs, and she felt whole again. Not just whole, but complete, and reunited, like that missing part of her had connected itself again. This was real, and it was theirs. 

Seth turned to her and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “It’ll always be here, Amy. The sunrise is ours, and nothing can ever take it away. You have to remember to breathe, and feel, and smell and see, or life will bog you down. I know you. This is what you need to remember. You can make anywhere your home if you want to, and this is what you have to take back with you.”

She nodded, her heart too full to express words, and she stepped forward, leaning her head on his chest, feeling, seeing, smelling. 

She finally knew. The buildings and sights in New York were her home, but they didn’t make it her home. What made it home were the memories, and the rooftop in the morning, and the feel of the air in her lungs, and the smell of him wrapped around her, and the sight of the radiant rising sun.

And he was right. It made her whole. And she would take it all back with her.


End file.
